Stand in Line to Save Me

Stand in Line to Save Me 1“If you want to save me, you’ll have to stand in line.” I’ve said this many times. It’s a helluva long line.

A CD full of video, pictures, memories of family was playing on the TV. Gifted to my parents at an 50-something anniversary party I wasn’t welcome at.  Nieces and nephews and babies I don’t know.

I am not good enough to include. I might contaminate the well, like a poisonous toad. My ideas are dangerous! They could get somebody damned to eternal oblivion! Somebody might get possessed. That’s handing the Devil your house-key and inviting him in for a drink.

I didn’t know seeing it would bother me until it did. But I braved every bit,  all the way through until my brother finished by talking about how much he’s looking forward to living in paradise with all of them.

Everybody knows, I won’t be there. Not the “right heart condition.” Sounds like something that would keep me off a ride at Disneyland, not a fatal flaw that keeps you from entering God’s Kingdom. It’s means unrepentant, unbeliever, unsalvageable. Divine trash.

“Why give me this?” I wonder aloud through the blur. To share some love, or take another shot to save me? Feels like a shot AT me. But it doesn’t matter. Pragmatically,  all one and the same.

“What is it that is dead and needs a burial? Is it an old point of view, something you’ve outgrown but not all of you realizes it? There is something here that you need to scrape from your life. It’s doggin’ you still.” -My Astrologer

The words buzz around in my head. I know they’re important, but I don’t know where they fit. Which cubby do they go into? It’s a muffled but familiar song, and I can’t quite remember the tune. Only I know it’s haunting me, whispers echoing in the dark.

Mercury’s sending a cable from the underworld. This doesn’t live without. It lives within. My astrologer tells me, “You ARE Mercury touring the underworld.”

Really, she’s right. I know the darkness and I find it’s hard to get the lingering smell off. The black Toad came to visit the black sheep. We are kindred. Looked down upon. Reviled. Pitied. Feared.

Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Fat. Wrong. Weird. Crazy. Immoral. Irresponsible. Not a quality human being. Broken. Unacceptable. Deluded. Confused. Stubborn. Impossible. Lacking. Eternally lacking.

Shhh! Maybe nobody will notice…maybe they’re not right. Maybe I can just fly under the radar and be happy in my ignorance of my deficits.

Yeah. Right.

I’ve blamed it on my chart. Saturn and Pluto, bitch-slapping the moon. Saturn-Mercury, always telling me to shut the Hell up. Uranus, making me a freak. I’ve blamed it on childhood, on exes, on society, on “them,” and on God.  Who haven’t I blamed? But it wasn’t anybody else. Nobody else could make me feel that way, not without my compliance.

It keeps a wall between a person and their power, if they deny themselves their own identity.  There’s a limit, how far you can shine when you keep a tarp over your light. I’m trying to toss out the tarp.

Do people want to save you?


Zen Parables

Zen Parables 2

A nice collection of Zen Parables…some of my favorites in there!

I don’t consider myself Buddhist, but I borrow from many traditions. I’ve found when I’m anxious, angry, or otherwise distraught, Buddhist philosophy is extremely helpful in detaching and gaining perspective.

Be here, now. On MY path. That’s what I’m always coming pack to. Live the life I’ve got, fully and completely as I can.

Are you a fan of Zen philosophy?


03/04/12: The Gift of Now | Hanged Man, 10 of Pentacles

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.” Alan Watts

Seeing these two cards, they pretty much scream “Zen” to me—if Zen would ever be screaming, that is.

Now, there’s the religious definition of Zen, and there are working definitions. By nature, Zen is elusive. If you try to grab Zen, it disappears. It’s like trying to catch hold of infinite space. It’s defined by it’s lack of definability!


Suffering— the inner and outer being in disharmony—appears in every human life. We form attachments in a world where everything is transient. In that gulf between ideal and perception lives pain.

Not accepting what is? The Hanged Man would have us always, always let go. His contentment is other-worldly, allowing him to effectively escape the persecution of his predicament by finding contentment therein. He self-generates his peace, so it cannot ever be taken away. It’s not his experience that defines his existence. It’s how those experiences are worn. 

The Ten of Pentacles (Mercury in Virgo) brings us full circle, very much in the real world. Letting go mentally and emotionally, allow yourself to LIVE in  the present. Find your gratitude, and your experience of those blessings get turned up. In doing so, you’ll see, hear and feel the gift of NOW. No regrets or resentments from yesterday, no fears or worries over tomorrow.  Just here, now. Alive.

Do you consider “now” a gift?

03/04/12: The Gift of Now | Hanged Man, 10 of Pentacles 3
Tarot: The Complete Kit
by Dennis Fairchild

Schedule a Tarot consultation with Dixie.

Choosing Miracle, Now

Living Now

“The first requirement of positive intent is acknowledging gratitude, and the second thing is to abandon grievances of all kinds. Grievance comes from the ego. There’s a beautiful passage in A Course In Miracles which says, ‘Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle.’ Try to remember that.” –Deepak Chopra

Every moment is a choice between Grievance and Miracle. I choose Miracle.

Try chanting that to yourself, as you prepare to meditate or when you’re frustrated or emotional or when you just have a quiet moment. See how it sinks in, how it comes back anytime you could use reminder. Every moment is a choice in how you frame it, between dissatisfaction and gratitude, disharmony and harmony. How would adopting this worldview change your experience?

Every moment is a choice, between grievance and miracle. I choose miracle.

Do you find this to be the case?

Confucius’s Routes to Wisdom

Confucious wisdom

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”-Confucius

Which routes do you utuilize?

If Your Third Chakra’s Clogged…

If Your Third Chakra's Clogged... 4

Let some sunshine in…


I love Sonia Choquette’s work. She’s very grounded, practical and calming. I understand her writing and get a lot out of it.

Funny thing…I put this book by her on my Amazon wishlist in 2005. I unexpectedly got it from one of my Tarot people last Christmas. Five years later! Can you imagine? I was floored, both with the surprise and to see the book; I’d totally forgotten about it and it was the last thing on the planet I expected to see when I opened my mailbox. How’s that for a ping?

She talks about power imbalances.

If Your Third Chakra's Clogged... 5On the Sacral Chakra, from True Balance: A Commonsense Guide for Renewing Your Spirit:

“Sovereignty is the center of power and strength–yet paradoxically, when it is balanced, it endows one with serenity, gentleness, and patience. This is because it frees us of the fear of others, which causes us to be aggressive, defensive and harsh. A person who is truly sovereign is a peacemakers because he or she does not feel threatened by others. When we remain faithful to our priorities, we naturally become more appreciative and respectful of the needs and desires of others because we understand their importance to personal well-being. If we are accountable to ourselves, we will become accountable to others.” –Sonia Choquette

Of course, I love the book. It’s full of info on each of the chakras, how to tell when one is out of whack, and suggestions for re-whackifying. Simple, practical ideas for getting  energy in alignment.

My Gemini moon doesn’t want to read it through in one chunck, but is delighted to skip around to the part that’s interesting me at the time. Ha!

Extra Credit: I If Your Third Chakra's Clogged... 6liked these suggestions for unclogging  power sinks in the article 5 Ways to Clear the Third Chakra.

Do you have any happy Sacral Chakra tips to share? :sun: